This is day three for Hospice to get settled in to my parent's house.
My mom is dying. There, I said it, damn it!! I said it! She went to have her routine chemo on Tuesday September 28, 2010 and her doctor said no more chemo for you. Do you know what that means for a stage 4 colon cancer patient whose cancer has metastasized to their liver? It means they have just a short period of time to live. My sister taped his voice on her phone and I heard him! Yes, I did. I heard him say 2, maybe 3 months with about as much sympathy as a Mcdonald's teen giving Big Mac orders over the speakers. Sick to my stomache isn't the word for how my body felt. If it couldn't get any worse, it did. Next, she showed me the video of my mom telling my dad the wonderful news. The look on my mother's face could have made anyone cry.
I don't know if this happens to everyone or anyone who has lost their mom but I feel like I am the only person on the planet right now. Alone. Frightened. Ill. I have nausea, stomache pain, head pain, my legs feel like rubber and I don't know what time it is, nor do I care. I slept for 14 hours last night. I mean yesterday afternoon and last night. I sound very selfish right now as I write this. The vomit is right in my throat now. My boyfriend, who calls himself my partner, always tells me not to throw up, so I hold it in for the most part. When I do I want to shit. Disgusting, aren't I? And I always tell him how gross he is when he farts.
Why is it that my mom is home laying in a hospital bed, as of yesterday, and I am staying home today? I can't leave my house. I can't get dressed. I can't get off of this fucking computer. I think my sister knows this so she recommended I write. I am not a good writer. I am a bad writer. I write some poems and talk to people on Facebook. I like to pretend I am very smart and join in on converstions that I may have no prior knowledge about. That is something I love about the computer. You can pretend to be so well educated, so well read! I just pick up my dictionary, look up the word, and dig in! It is fun and something I could never get away with at a social party. What is a social party anyway? Or is it anyhow? Who cares?
I was thinking about my mother last night and I discovered, and I mean really dug deep, that she has never done wrong! I mean intentionally. She has cursed but never the "F" word. My favorite. Ok. I goota run...to the toilet.
